Homework and Horse Poop

Awhile ago, I mentioned the time I took horse poop to school for an English assignment. Several people requested the full scoop, so here it is.

When I was younger, I procrastinated everything. (I am now much more mature and only procrastinate most things.) So, when, in my senior year in high school, we received an assignment to convert a popular commercial of our choice into a satire, I, of course, rushed home and forgot about it--until the night before it was due.

I stayed up late pacing my bedroom floor. I knew this class, everyone in it was brilliant, and there would be some amazing presentations. If I wanted an A, and oh I did, I would have to come up with something stunning.

Several hours, and a garbage can full of crumbled papers, later, I spit my much chewed gum out in my hand and glared at it. My ideas had died on me, my muse had fled, and even my gum had petered out. Then I had it. Gum. It's taste didn't last an extra, extra, extra long time, in fact it tasted like crap. I grinned. I laughed. I think I even cackled. I probably did, it seems like something a sleep deranged eighteen-year-old me would do.

I threw on a coat, some boots, grabbed a shovel, and headed out to the fields. I needed some poop--a giant mound of horse poop. And, I had some, globs of it, sprinkled over three acres like putrid gumdrops. All I had to do was get me one. It would be perfect. The only problem was the weather. January in the mountains of Utah can be bitter with the temperature dropping way below zero, and on this night, they did.

The frigid air welded every single horse bomb to the ground. I hacked at them, kicked them, yelled into the darkness, "Why? Why? All I need is one piece of lousy dung!"

Then, as if in answer to my rant, my horse whinnied. My sleep and cold fogged brain clicked into place. I had a fresh, unfrozen manure factory standing right there!

I assumed my poop catching position behind the horse. It's a good thing it was dark, or there may have been a few calls into the psych ward that night, because I stood there for a good hour holding my shovel and coaching my horse. "Come on, girl, you can do it. Just go for me. One poop, that's all I need."

My fingers went numb, my toes disappeared, my teeth almost shattered from chattering, then the blessed event occurred. My horse gave me my A.

I took it back to the house, wrapped it lovingly in a plastic bag, and chewed two huge wads of gum. Then I went to bed.

In class the next day, I splatted first one, then the other, wad of gum onto the teacher's table while repeating the words of the commercial. "The flavor lasts an extra, (splat) extra, (splat)..." I reached into the bag with my bare hands and pulled my lovely, warm, mushy pile of horse business and slammed it down with the final, "extra long time." Then I sat down.

My whole presentation lasted ten seconds. The silence lasted longer. Much longer. My sweet teacher swallowed several times and asked me to please throw it away outside her class room. I did. And I got my A. All thanks to an obedient horse and a shovel.

So, what kind of crazy things did you guys do for an assignment?