Monday, August 17, 2009

My Official Complaint Against the Universe Regarding the Scarcity of House Elves

(A house elf)

I want a house elf. Plain and simple. Is one measly little house elf too much to ask? The universe has replied and, yes, apparently it is.

For those of you who might not know what a house elf is, I'll explain. In J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series there is a type of mythical creature known as a house elf. They are small, magical, and devoted to their masters. They live to serve. They clean, prepare meals, and anything else needed. And they never, ever, ever want money for their services.

Some of you might think that children would count as having a small creature or two around the house to help, but no. It doesn't. Those of you who think that must not have read the previous paragraph very closely. (You might want to go back and re-read it just to make sure we're on the same page. I made my hubby do it.) Children don't want to help, they definitely want money if they do help, and they can't do any magic. Well, at least mine can't. Kids are basically the opposite of house elves. Kids make messes, not clean them, and I have four.

So, this is my official complaint to the universe regarding the scarcity of house elves. You can't find them.
I've looked. They're not in up-scale stores, bargain marts, or even bookstores. Well, maybe in bookstores, but not in the flesh. Just in ink, and they aren't going to do me any good in a book.

I am left with the sad reality that I may never get a house elf, and I feel cheated. Ripped off. Disillusioned. Of the many wondrous, fantastical creatures dreamed up by humans why, oh why, can't just this one be real?

True, they aren't pretty like fairies, or grant wishes like a genies, but they clean! They clean! Toilets, windows, boy's rooms, you name it. To a mom that is heaven! And they love it. Now, I know it sounds too good to be true, and some of you (or all, depending on how grounded and rational you are) might be shaking your heads and saying, "Yeah. They aren't real," but I'm going to keep looking because if I don't, I'm going to have to be the house elf, and there's no way I'm going to settle for that!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Starting A Blog and Articulate Cats

Never having blogged before, I've decided that starting one is bit like having an articulate cat. Now I know this sounds odd, so I'll explain. We have a kitten who loves milk. Every morning the little, white puff ball with claws saunters into the kitchen, plants himself in front of the refrigerator and starts mewing. We, as his faithful servants, rush to the fridge and get him a bowl of milk.

You are probably wondering what starting a blog has to do with the cat and milk, but hang in there, its coming.

Yesterday we ran out of milk. Our little demon of cuteness wandered to the kitchen and assumed his milk getting position. The mewing commenced. The milk drinking did not.

Now cats, especially young, spoiled cats, don't seem to understand that the fridge isn't magic and that when the milk is gone, it's gone. I even showed him it was gone. He didn't believe me and the mewing continued. And continued. And continued. In desperation I poured the demanding brute a dish of soy milk.

Here's that part that explains the strange connection between blogs and articulate cats.

My kitten sniffed the soy milk, then promptly tried to bury it. Yes, he tried to dispose of it like excrement. I laughed, but he didn't. He gave me a look that clearly said, "Why have you given me this foul thing?" He then turned his back on me and shunned me for the rest of the day.

My fear is that you, as the potential reader, may decided my blog is soy milk. Now, I like soy milk. In fact, I prefer soy milk, but you may not. So, here's hoping you don't try to bury my blog. I just don't know how I'd react to that. I'd probalby get a big glass of soy milk and shun you for the rest of the day.


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