Disclaimer: Not to be confused with, How To Train Your Dragon. Dragons are much easier to train and far more intelligent than humans.
We, Sparkle Tangerine and Yoda--Cat Extraordinaries, are not responsible for, or liable if any here-mentioned training techniques fail. Humans, by nature are dull-witted and resistant to training.
Yoda: I've spent my entire life (thirteen people years) with my humans, and I know they can be unruly and stubborn. But if you persevere, they can be quite useful. Even though I'm a cat, and therefore far superior to all forms of life except other cats, I enjoy my humans. I know this sounds like sacrilege, but humans, when properly trained, can increase the quality, and longevity, of your life.
Sparkle Tangerine: Humans are great fun. I'm young (eleven people months) and know how to live it up. Listen to me if you're not ancient like Yoda.
Purr. This soothes their inner human and weakens their mental faculties. Within thirty seconds they will be within your control. Do not be concerned if their speech patterns deteriorate until they say things like, "What a tute widdle meow-meow. Mommy wuvs you." This is normal and temporary. They will still know how to feed you.
Stand by their sleeping mat and yowl at various times in the night until they arise and escort you outside. Humans need to be exercised. Do not neglect this aspect of their training or they may become useless and sedentary.
As with the above technique, continue to exercise your human throughout the daylight hours by demanding to go outside. Then stand at the door and cry to come in. Humans like crying. The cat yowl is scientifically designed to impel humans to action. Without us they would become completely debased. Do not be deceived if they appear upset. They love it.
And finally, strategically place your hairballs in high traffic areas. Human feet require exposure to hairballs. It stimulates their speech skills as indicated by the sudden increase in vocabulary right after contact with the hairball. It is important to do this to counteract any overuse of purring.
Sparkle Tangerine's Tips:
Jump on their piano during the night and walk up and down the keyboard. It helps with the whole exercise thing Yoda talked about, and it is more fun than sitting by their bed. Humans need exercise, or they get fat. Fat is bad for them because they aren't as advanced as us. But, hey, who said it had to be boring.
Jump on their faces early in the morning. WARNING: DO NOT FORGET TO PURR AS YOU DO THIS. This is a risky move, but can be a riot.
Race around house, claw the furniture, and scatter litter across the floor. They will chase you. Training your human can be a blast. Just be creative.